I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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