i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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