Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
