help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
