i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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