conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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