someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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