i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
