I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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