my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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