dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
