Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
