if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
