mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
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He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
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I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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