i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
