I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
