my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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