i just sent this text using only my big toe
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
