Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
