Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
4 words: hood of his car
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
