The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
