My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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