Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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