just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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