The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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