you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
