So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
