sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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