I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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