I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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