if i can run in heels then i can drive
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
