She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
