You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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