So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
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The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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