you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
