guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
