you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
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i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
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All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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