You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
