Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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