did you get engaged???
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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