Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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