You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
