I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
