I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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