oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
