one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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