there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.