awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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