I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
