We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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