Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
