Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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