Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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