So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I need to calm my uterus...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
