I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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