this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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