Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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